I know you know who you are. I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you what I was really thinking when we talked. I looked sad because I was sad. I'm not the type to make a big deal out of things. I'm even less of the type to make someone feel bad for their feelings. I totally understand why you feel the way you do. In a way I feel the same.

I can't help but think you are the perfect guy though, at the wrong time. I wish we had met at the right time. I wanted to tell you that thinking about you made me smile. I couldn't read or write a text to you without looking a little happier. I've never had someone look at me the way you looked at me. I've never had someone made me feel so tiny and feminine. I know its silly to let a guy dictate the way I feel about myself but I let it happen. I'm sad that eve though you can make me feel all of those things, you aren't going to anymore. The way you look at me is already different.

It's not all sad though. I didn't know what to tell you that day because I really did have mixed emotions. I'm so happy I met you. It was a nice light in the darkness of my life at that moment. You gave me something to look forward to. And if nothing else, you're a wonderful friend that I'm glad to have made. I am happy that we had this talk and that things aren't awkward between us. I am truly happy that we met.

I didn't wanna tell you that what you told me hurt. I don't even know why it hurt. I shouldn't hurt. I need to be single almost as much as you want to be single. I've never done a long distance relationship. I've only known you for two weeks. I shouldn't hurt. I don't know why this hurt. I never want you to see me cry.

I know I'm over-thinking this, just like I'm sure you did. I'm glad that we can still kiss but I don't know how I'll feel about that. I'm scared that I'll keep falling for you. I don't let guys break my heart. I don't do it. I'm sorry in advance if I cant kiss you. I'm sorry if sometimes I won't call you. And I'm sorry if sometimes I may seem distant. I'm just trying to protect my heart, the best way I know how.

 

If things are meant to be, they'll happen. We were meant to meet, that happened. I'm glad it did. I'll just wait for the future to reveal what else is meant for us. If it really is to just be friends, there must be a good reason for it.

when did I start forgetting who I am? 

I look in the mirror some days and I don't even recognize who I am. Some days I ache to draw or paint something, and when i finally, finally have a moment to actually create something, i can't. I don't even touch my guitar any more. I cry for no reason. I've seriously thought of driving off the road just because I was wondering how peaceful death must be. I miss my friends. I miss my bf. I miss knowing who I am. I miss looking forward to the days ahead. I miss making memories. The past few months all mesh together as just a big gray block of school, work and hw. I went from wanting to do crazy, exciting things to just honestly wanting one day where I didn't have to do ANYTHING.

When did I get so boring?

 

I miss me... come back please...

I feel like we're falling apart.

We're falling apart in that horrible, let's-pretend-everything-is-okay kind of way.  We argue in the passive aggressive ways that we resent so much in other couples. We do it almost everyday. I find myself so frustrated with you sometimes that I don't want to talk to you anymore. Then we see each other. Then we act like nothing's wrong. Even when its eating away at us from the inside out we still pretend its all okay.

How can you tell me that who knows if we'll be together in a few months and in the next breath tell me that you hope we last a lifetime. A lifetime is a lot longer than a few months.

I'm confused. I'm hurt. More than anything though, I want this to be better than just okay again.